My EBF Story

Nothing is more true than, when someone tells you that holding your newborn in your arms is the most amazing feeling in the world, that when your baby smiles all the sleepless nights and hours of sitting are worth it and more, that the first time the baby latches on to you it’s a wonder!

And then begins the pulling, the tears and the backaches! And it leaves a lot of wondering where is that ‘magical’ feeling one gets when breastfeeding and I was thinking the same when I got a nipple tear in the first week of breastfeeding.  I had moments when I would hold something in my fist tight so that I can get through the pain when my baby starts feeding. Treating my nipple tear was hence my priority, because the only thing I wanted was to experience the magical feeling of your baby feeding. And I got these soon enough! What helped me? My mommies group that Rolly made for us all and the will power to ebf for 6months!

Make sure you keep reading and reminding yourself of the pros of breastfeeding cos there aren’t any cons to it! It’s good for you and it’s good for the baby. It’s convenient for you and it’s your baby’s favorite food!

This is where even our moms cannot help us because most of them started the “dal ka pani” at 3 months. So 6 months of ebf leaves them wondering. In the beginning I used to wonder how am I gonna go through 6 months and before I even realized, 6 months have gone by and I have to now start giving my baby food and both of us are wondering “what the hell!” Hahaha!

Nothing comes more naturally to the mother and the baby than latching on and breastfeeding, and nothing is more difficult to part ways with as well. Right after my C-sec I was sedated and most part of that my baby was sleeping J When we started to get on to our latching practice it wasn’t easy and right after surgery I did let the nurses give her top feed. it might not have been more than a spoon but that wasn’t what I had in mind for my little doll. Once back to my senses, and with encouragement from my doctor (who was quite surprised at his own nurses… guess that’s a different story) I made sure there was no more top feed. And not even a mention of it!

She cried and so did I, she struggled and so did I.  And in the end we both got through it !

She wouldn’t feed from my left side and I couldn’t understand why, but I knew what to do thanks to Rolly’s lectures! Come in football hold to my rescue - and my husband who helped me hold her so I could get her started on my left side as well J Then there was the tear, which was the most difficult part for me, cos while I had to correct her latch and feed her from both sides I was also making a lot of milk. It took me a few weeks to stabilize and bring in discipline of feeding, which is everything from alternating breasts, to expressing extra mik after every feed, warm compress, applying nipcare and the constant help from our mommies group! These 5 things and I smooth sailed through it and today I know its magical to breastfeed and its even more magical when your baby gives you this yummy smile after she is done feeding!   

Then there are the smaller difficulties of how do we go out shopping or dining, well you can do it best while you are breastfeeding, cos it is easiest now to carry your baby’s food along ;) . And as far as, “where do I feed when I am out”, is concerned you will always find a place and if you don’t – well, feed her right where you are J I have fed my baby at the airport sitting at the boarding gate, in the flight, in restaurants and when you do it once, you will realize you don’t care where you are when your baby wants to feed J And having said the one thing I wanna do before I wean her - is feed her sitting on the beach! Hopefully soon ;)

My birth story - 20th March 2015

Everything about baby making is a wonder, right from when you conceive, the little one taking shape inside your womb, the little and not so little kicks, the birth, the way they can communicate to you from day one, the fact that you make milk to feed your little one! I have gone through all the stages and I cannot help but wonder, and what a wonder! Truly.

The discovery of pregnancy was not a jump-with-joy feeling for my husband and me when we got to know. It grew on us with every passing day. The anticipation kept building up and so did the preparation for it, the list of do’s and don’t’s!

Pre natal yoga with Rolly was something I completely chanced upon , this wasn’t something I knew about except for the movies :P I was looking for yoga classes in Powai before I conceived and Rolly’s yoga came across in one of my google searches and it was backed with some real good reviews so I made a mental note of it “in case I needed it” Well it wasn’t long after that I found myself looking up her number and calling her in my 6^th week. I didn’t even know what EDD stood for then :P So when Rolly asked me my EDD I was like… ummmm? Well I am sure she had a good laugh when she heard this and that fact that I was calling her to join in my 6^th week :P  She told me to relax and that I should start only after 12 weeks. And that was the beginning of the learning of my dos and donts.

Pregnancy for me was wonderful, I was lucky to skip morning sickness, and sailed through the 9 months! I always wanted to have a normal delivery, somewhere however, I always feared I might end up with a C-sec. So you guys out there, NEVER let that thought come in. 

Week 30 check up showed baby was in perfect position, and when I went after two weeks, it was transverse! I panicked and got all stressed up and my first person to go for a solution was Rolly. She gave me 2 exercises I was to do religiously. The first two weeks I wasn’t regular with it and when in week 34 the baby hadn’t changed still I was losing hopes and my doc fixed 2^nd March as my delivery date if baby continues to stay in transverse. I spoke to Rolly again and she made sure I did my exercises. 27^th Feb I go for my last ultrasound – and lo! My baby was head down facing behind, just the was we liked it!

So 2^nd March was out of the window and we were now waiting for our due date and the baby to arrive. This was a difficult wait cos somewhere we had made peace with 2^nd March and a C-sec. I started my maternity leave on 1^st March and then it was about doing my yoga ( as I wasn’t coming to Powai for the classes anymore), my walks and eating well. As the due date was nearing we were flooded with calls about the baby’s arrival and our baby was in no hurry at all. The next doc visit confirmed she was a posterior baby and I was now holding my chances of a normal vs a C-sec delivery. Well, I told my doc that I want normal delivery and he agreed to give me a trial of labour. 16^th March, my due date was here and the little one wasn’t showing any signs of coming out. We did another ultrasound on 16^th to check if everything was ok and if we could wait. Report estimated her weight at 3.8 kgs! Not something my doctor was sure would come out normally given her posterior position. So he fixed 21^st march for us to be induced if she doesn’t come out on her own.  19^th we go for our check and I told my doc that I think my mucus plug was out this morning. Which usually doesn’t mean much and it could be hours or days before labour starts. We went back home preparing ourselves for pains to be induced day after.

I woke up to my water break at 3 am in the morning on 20^th which was just hours after I visited my doctor and finalizing 21^st as my delivery date J  We immediately called the doctor and he asked us to come over to the clinic right away. When he checked me at around 4:30 am, there was just 1 cm dilation and very mild contractions.  He explained to us our chances, of how the dilation should progress, possibility of dry labour and the time limit beyond which he will take us into a C-sec. Since the contractions didn’t come well enough and I was losing little water every now and then he induced labour at 6 am post which the contractions began to get stronger.  Since at the start they weren’t too strong I decided to get some sleep since we had been up since 3 in the morning.

By 7:30 – 8 they got stronger and I decided to stay up and walk a bit, sit and talk to remain distracted of the increasing pain. By 1 they were too strong for me to stand or sit or lie down! But they weren’t strong enough yet! And we waited and my mom kept rubbing my back and my husband kept making me walk a bit now and then.  By 2.30 and 9 hours of labour doc came in to check. I was dialted only 3.5 cms while I should have been 5 cms and the baby’s head was stuck diagonally which would make it impossible for her to come out unharmed. The doc hence took me in immediately for a C-sec.  

Soon after I went in, the family outside could hear the LOUD crying of my baby girl. She didn’t wait for the doctor to bring her out and “make” her cry, she came out crying from my womb all on her own! She seems to be having her own will and her own mind right from when she was inside. She was messing with us the whole time with her positions (where in one instance my doctor didn’t understand what position she was in and this is a doctor I have never seen having even the slightest of doubts and there he was looking confused!!)  and then not coming when she was due! And remains equally naughty today :D

I am glad to have had the support of Rolly all through the pregnancy, the yoga classes kept me super active, the constant encouragement we had for each other to ensure we did our walks and the panch pyaare everyday without fail! It was a fun ride and its only getting better and better each day.

The Arrival

And out she came crying out loud! She didn’t need to be made to cry and I could see a little girl with a mind of her own. She didn’t care of positions or dates. She came out when she wanted to and well seemed like she tried to come out in her own new way – but well that wasn’t to be J Our little girl arrived on the 20^th of March 2015. And like they all say, the world just changed!

We were asked by everyone who came to visit, “how does it feel?” and we looked at each other realising, neither of us cried at the birth of our child and neither did we have the feeling of being overwhelmed. We did worry about it – but just for a fleeting second. We realised we knew and were waiting for this moment for the last 9 months! We knew she was coming! We had visualised on how we would sleep with her in between us on the bed. We were overwhelmed! More than one can imagine. And this overwhelming joy grew in us over 9 months. It didn’t and doesn’t happen in a day.

Then came the question of feeling all “motherly” - this one stumped me. I didn’t think I felt any motherly feelings oozing out of me. I thought and rationalised myself that Im too practical a person and Bollywood motherly doesn’t happen to me. Here I was so wrong I didn’t realise. Realisation hit me over a few days – and the first one being on day 12 when we decided to pierce her ears. I took a video of the entire thing with absolute steady hands.  I didn’t hold her in my arms for the piercing knowing somewhere I wouldn’t be able to handle it – but in denial. I have never seen the videos. They were for my husband who wasn’t around for it and all I could do for the day was cry and keep holding back my tears. And then with every passing day after that holding her in my arms kept melting me down.  Motherhood hit me. She became my world. Seeing her made me cry and laugh at the same time. (a lot of it Im sure was the hormonal upheaval – but again I wouldn’t rationalise this further)

I found my joy! I found my motherhood! I held the cuteness in my arms and it seemed like she held me in hers. Her little hands on my hand assuring me I’m doing fine. A million emotions passing through you everyday of motherhood and when I sit down to write about it – I can’t collect them all, can’t capture them!

9 months of anticipation!

First journey with our Baby!

 Another one of my attempts to re-start my attempt at blogging – and this is as special as something can get.

Cheesy as it may sounds – this is my most special experience with my most special someone. An experience you cannot picture. An experience that will turn out to be new with every day and every moment.

“Take it as it comes” – is a spoiler for parenthood. It’s more like looking forward to it every moment of it. It’s not to prepare for, it’s to anticipate. Attempts at decoding it, is probably not the smartest things one can do. This is a roller coaster – and I know it from what I have seen, in mothers young and old around me, and the stories I hear.

And well, here I am again (taking up to write this post after 4 months of having finished the first para above)… hmmppphhhh!

Writing now when I’m towards the end of the beginning! We should be expecting the little life to come our way in the next few weeks. Last few months have been an incredible experience of creating this little life. I was told to journal this experience with every passing day and moment – and I have not been religious in doing it. Something I think I will always regret. BUT, this is not a time for regrets. This is a time of building dreams for the little joy that’s coming our way.

We are still in awe of the fact that there is a little person growing inside me. Almost every morning we wake up and wonder, “there is a baby in the tummy” – we are all smiles and dreamy. The feeling of little movements inside of you, the kicks and the moves are absolutely stunning! How can it be? How is it possible that there is another being inside you taking shape every moment?

“Planning” a baby

Was I someone who wanted to be a mother, someone with the “motherly craving” of wanting a baby – the answer is no. Did I really “want” the baby and the answer again is no. Yes, I guess the reader may find this really weird. Why would I be having a baby if I didn’t want it; and why and how am I so happy about it. Well, I definitely did want it – at some point.

For me it was not about wanting to have a baby alone – it was about wanting to have the experience of having a baby with A. The motivation was him – doing something that special with him. We have a lifetime together, a lifetime of creating joy for each other and a lifetime of new experiences with each other. And THIS is unquestionably going to be the most adventurous of it all!

Having it now is just a practicality, it could be now or it could be later. And then again why should happiness wait J It’s better now than later.

The Beginning, the Awe!  (the B before the A…)

The beginning for us was the “ricegrain” – our first ultrasound, our first glimpse of the baby (if I may call it so), our first moment, our first smile. This was the time – where we walk in not knowing, that this would become THE most special moment of our 9 month journey.

I have seen a few videos on how life inside creates itself in this period of 9 months. And there is no answer to the “how” of it. Yes, ofcourse science can answer it – but not really I think.

I have been through mountains of feelings in these past months. From not knowing how we should feel when we discovered our pregnancy to now where we are simply elated! There has been joy, anxiety, self - doubt, pride. There have been moments of absolute calm and confidence and there have been moments of “why and what have we gotten into!” and everything ends with a smile – a smile only a little new life can bring. A smile that comes from pure joy of having a baby, a smile that can replace no other happiness, smile of being content. I will call it the “divine smile”.

Being fat - being pregnant… (nope there are no tips here)

From not even knowing what it’s going to be like physically, let’s just say, emotionally you are going to be far from knowing it. There was a lot of anxiety in my mind on how my body is going to change. I was terrified of becoming a big round ball by the end of it.

Yes its childish one might say. I had seen two sides of it – the hot celeb moms and the moms you see on a daily basis who have only pictures of them being “oh so slim”! While I have never been a size zero or a bikini body, I have never been “fat” to a point of being uncomfortable with myself. So yes, this was a big anxiety, and my doc gave it to me straight – your body will change, it will be like you have never known it to be.

The battle was my own I thought, but I was never alone in it, neither was it ever a battle.

I did my yoga, tried to keep a good diet, did my walks and well it all helped. I look like myself and I get complimented for not putting on weight! Haha (and some pride here)! Ofcourse I did put on a good 8-10 kgs and maybe a little more is to come. The anxiety doesn’t end here, cos now I wonder, what about weight gain post pregnancy, it’s a never ending fear so I will leave it to it.

I cannot finish this part without giving credit to 2 people, first, my husband who watched what I ate, who encouraged me to stay me, and who let me binge. And, ofcourse, my yoga instructor who guided us towards a healthy pregnancy. Who would ask us every second class if we were taking enough calcium and iron and protein and check our weight every week, shout at us for putting on too much and pat us on the back for the weeks we didn’t!

The moves, the kicks, the dancing!!

The most fun part of the pregnancy - is feeling the little wonderful movements inside of you and trying to visualise what these movement are like on the inside. A fluttering of arms, a little jiggle, the cycling kick or the dancing rumble! They start real small, and you can feel it only when you are lying down with complete calm and then you feel the little flutters like a butterfly in the stomach – only this butterfly is moving inside - literally! Then they become bigger. And more fun! I have broken into laughter in the middle of a conference call cos of the movements! I have almost jumped with surprise on a dinner table! I have waited for the movements every morning – and they would start religiously at 9.30 in the morning when I’m driving on my way to work – my little companion with me to work J oh what joy!! Then they become really BIG – you can see your stomach move, you get hit on your bladder, you can feel the fight for space. I have never had to count or watch out for 10 movements in 24 hour rule – they have always been on a high – touchwood!

The Ups and Downs and the Upside down!

My pregnancy has been touchwood smooth sailing. I have been one of those few lucky ones who escaped the morning sickness, the nausea, and 2 in the morning cravings. I know friends who have been through it and it takes a toll on you. While your body is already going through a lot making the baby, the hormones don’t make the job any easy. I had my own share with acidity that made me feel so helpless wanting to pull my insides out! To pour water or curd whatever it takes to subdue the acids! With all the remedies that there are - nothing helps!

It’s a tough road, it’s what lies at the end of it that makes it all worth the distance! So while we have been blessed with a relatively easier road, it’s not done until its done. For us the last 8 weeks of the pregnancy seem to be all uphill and downhill.

The one thing (out of many) that I have wanted in my pregnancy is a natural normal birth. Something until my 32 weeks I could see materializing. Then come week 34 and my baby went into a transverse lie! I was (as exaggerated as it may sound) devastated! This meant I was looking at a planned C-sec! This meant no full squats for me – something I was looking forward to in my yoga classes!

R came to our rescue then. With her optimism and her motivation started the exercises she recommended and believed would help us! While everyone was sceptical about the exercises I was doing (add picture) – including me, she kept me motivating that I must do it. The first bi-weekly visit to the doc and the baby was still transverse. I became more regular in my exercises and VOILA! Whether it was the exercise, the optimism or simple coincidence – it’s all credit to R that the baby was back in head down position. My doc was happy to see the not-worried-anymore-me J

Turns out we have a naughty one inside. You can never be at rest with it. While it went back to its normal “ideal” head down position, it was a matter of days that it went from anterior to being posterior. So while it wasn’t as bad as a transverse, it had its share of chances between a natural birth and the not natural birth.

The word “chances” is now hence, playing strongly in my mind – cos with the tiny ones inside, you never know what they are upto. Just like free lunches, there are no guarantees in this world ;) Now its wait and watch for us in our last two weeks.

Wait and watch!

While we know the baby can come anytime now, somewhere we know she is going to make us wait until the last day and will not be the one to come out on its own. She will need to be coaxed. She is a special one!

Marking the FIRST year!

This would probably be the most special FIRST :) All the firsts made me super excited - I hated and cried for the firsts I missed but this one - it makes it up for all :)

18th December 2012 - Our FIRST Anniversary!


A and my first anniversary! It’s difficult to describe in words and the way I feel about this can hardly be expressed. All I can do is smile - a big smile on my face of happiness that knows no boundaries. The joy that you can never imagine - it’s like that thing you want but never knew you wanted it, never thought something can bring you so much joy and happiness. It’s like standing on a beach looking at the horizon not able to imagine how deep the sea is out there. A feeling of abundant love, when the word abundant is not enough.

The feeling of achieving your first milestone with someone who love like you can never love again - and looking forward to a life full of such milestones! It’s that feeling that makes your heart so full of happiness and no amount of deep breaths help you absorb it completely :)

Its amazing how someone can be so special to you. (Of course it better be like that considering you decide to spend a lifetime with the person ;) ) How do you express your love for someone so dear to you. While you cant even express it to yourself – how can you possibly explain it to the other person?! I don’t know how I can ever tell A how much he means to me. I cant define “how much” here. I cam never “tell” him how much I love him. Its sometimes so overwhelming that no amount of “special things” you do can express it completely. No amount of “I love you”s can say it all. No amount of kisses can express it. It’s the feeling where you stand on top of a mountain and feel – this is it! This is all I ever wanted in life. (and no I don’t take away the worldly things we all like to have – but then this isn’t about all those) This is what I will never complain about or think wasn’t enough. This is something everyone should have.

I think I’m extremely lucky to be able to have the most amazing husband one can have  and how amazing he is – is how I feel about him – is something I can never express in words even to myself. Every time I think of it I have this feeling of extreme elation where words fail you, where feelings overwhelm you so much that you can’t describe them. Its something that no gift can tell him how special he is. It’s when I know nothing I can do will ever truly match his amazing-ness to me. And its not that he never pisses me off or I don’t ever do things that he doesn’t like – but that’s just trivial in front of what he brings to my life.

So does that mean I don’t get scared about the fact that I would be spending my entire life with him. I used to. But now I don’t. Seeing the way a whole year is gone by, the fact that I am almost 28 – still not bored of anything, so much more to do and see. Still feeling I have missed out on so many things and hence even more things to do and see. With so much just as an individual I have to cover in this lifetime – how can it be enough then with another person. That being A - A lifetime with A can never, never ever be enough to do all that we want to do together – what I want to do with him.

Its all about love – so many of my posts – crazy little thing called LOVE :)

Pictures !!

I love looking at pictures of friends, family, friends' friends, random people... every now and then when I log into my FB page this is the only thing I do (there is actually nothing much that a social netwroking site as FB has to offer I feel)

What is it about pictures... like they say, 'a picture is worth a thousand words'. You can say so much about someone, and their recent times through these :) and anytime that you dont see any new ones... you know its been un-eventful ;)

What people like to share the most in pictures.... anything and everything that they truely enjoyed- a trip, a new car, a newborn, a new life (weddings!!), just a day out with friends, anything and everything. Yes ofcourse, I am striking out the very private people who dont like to share any pics, but instead have only the ones they were tagged in by friends :)

What is it that we love to see.... yep... Good Times!!! Its all about that a happy moment and a happy moment you share with everyone else :) What else is it that makes the pictures so good... the colours!! Have you noticed the colours, the backgrounds, the smiles :) :) yea the smiles... cant miss those in a good picture - thats what adds the flavour the spice.

Yea... see m short of words now ... i dont know what more to say.... just go ahead check out some of your old awesome pictures... its fun!!

For my friends wedding card...

Seven years of Love,
Seven years of Togetherness,
Becomes a blessing of a lifetime.
A new dream sprining to life,
A new journey, a new turn,
A new destination, a new found love.
Our biggest celebration, our biggest day,
Amidst all those who matter,
To share what will be our most precious moments :)

All the best MPI !!

Figured!!

My last post left a lot of readers (i like to believe) confused, wondering and looking for their answers. I think I found mine :)

So this is gonna be as short as it can get. Being sure, being confident, having the right reasons to do something, convinced in your mind about a decision, having the balls to do something... and then questioning everything :)

I said 8 on 10 people haven't figured it out and the 2 are the lucky ones. And all the little - big things of life that makes you think and contemplate. They say dont push yourself, give it time, be sure about it and then I thought.... its not about being sure.

Its just about believing :)

Figure it Out

Yea figure it out for urself and when you do, share it with me. I bet 8 on 10 people (thats my favourite stat number :P) would end up in discussions and the lucky 2 would figure it out. Hmmm... so what is it that I am trying to figure out here. Well, guess I haven't figured that out yet :P and yea I can go on and on in this maze confusing all of you who have been kind enough (or shall I say have the time in this busy busy world) to come and read this latest post of mine.

So I had a long and tiring day and ended it (almost ended) it with a very lively discussion with AAP007 on what and how can one figure out things. I will admit that I am not sure. And that you can never be a 100% sure of things. You take a decision to get married to someone - thats a point where you think you can commit and stand by it to spend the rest of your life with that one person. And then one sour moment, and you start questioning everything. The whole relationship you have built around yourself, all the dreams you have seen with someone, a whole new world you made and comes crashing in front you.

So does it really come crashing, or have you woken up from the crash just now to realise its crashed?

So AAP007 asked me if I decide to marry someone and then a week before the D day he comes up with the most unreasonable things ever and what would I do. Well, I didnt have an answer. Im trying to "figure it out" - do I still have one or not. There are so many things that go into it; that for you to just say one way or the other aint that simple. I can sit back and say yeah I will still stand by him and he will understand me or I can say No. If he values things over him and me - over us - then maybe he isnt the one im looking for and I wouldn't hesitate to walk off.

But then I think, can I really do it. Is it so easy to walk off? To forget, to put it all behind you. To just move ahead. Maybe yes maybe not. Depends on what you want. You want to stick to it, hang on to it or you've had enough. Its all about answering one questions,"Is it all worth it?"

Then again I read somewhere, "Truth is that everyone is going to hurt you; you just gotta find the ones worth suffering for" and then I think - "and make the suffering worth for yourself" that you can look back and smile at it...

Profound thoughts, little things in life looked at in a big way.

This is where we say its overrated, hyped and then its true. Its us, we overrate and hype things.

But then that's what life is about, making something more important than another. Prioritizing one over another, letting go and holding on. And in the end, know its a trade off a bargain. You lose some you gain some.

Is it about reaching a point where you say you have arrived, but then how do you know you wont question it. Is it about having your options? But then again, you always have your options, its about when you strike a deal with things and give in or breakfree. You can do it on day 1 or you can do it 20 years later. Well, I guess its about a point where you say,"This is it" and you stand by it. Committing to it. Having the confidence in yourself and not in another person. Knowing that you can do it and you are not dependent on another person.

Then we think if its about feeling it, knowing it, feeling what you know, knoing what you feel. Subconscious thought, conscious feeling or conscious thought, subconscious feeling. A maze of feeling and thoughts mixed. Do we rationalize our feelings, or do we just subject our will to feel things. To feel - overrated again?!! Hyped. Gut feel, instinct - its nothing but your confidence in yourself. When you are confident you are sure, thats when your gut feel is strong. When you are in doubt how will you feel strongly, how will you be sure of anything outside of you, when you dont know whats it inside of you.

Then again, is it your inner confidence that precedes what you feel or your feelings that precede your confidence. And then again Speaking Tree (I dont remember the writer) says,"Happiness is internal, its not external. Its within our selves and we cannot seek it outside of us." So PSO007 told me "Find the happiness within yourself and forget everything else :)

Then again is it about figuring out what you want or knowing that its not always gonna be the best and the best will always come. Hmmm... that's easier said than done. So what is it about??

I dont know. I wish I did. Maybe I willl come into the category of the 2 out of 10 who would one day figure it out. For now I havent, and no I can't answer that question I was asked today. I guess its about deciding whether its worth it, about make choices and moving on. About getting up one day and putting things behind you to move ahead. And then again I ask, how do I kno. Is it about leaving something, giving up on it or is it about letting it stay, giving it the time, let it grow and develop.

But I guess in the end its all about the choices we make and never look back, never regret, never say "what if".

Interpreting Love

Love I think sometimes is overrated. Underestimated. Ignored. Misunderstood. Treasured. Trapped. Lost. Found. Discovered. Conquered. Felt. Expressed. Feared. Longed. Finally Lived!!!

"Love - it gives you the courage you never thought you had within you" - this by far is my favourite love quote. Picked from the movie "Little Manhattan" also happens to be my favourite love story movie :) Cutest thing I have come across in whatever I have seen.

LOVE - You find it in the strangest of the places at the most unexpected times. In the most unexpected form and in the most unexpected ways. In a way you never knew it existed. In a way you never thought you'd see it. In a way you never felt it. In a way you hated it. In a way you laughed at it once. In a way you saw it happening only to others. In a way that you never wanna let go. In a way that you know letting go is the best way to keep it within you. In a way that your ways defy you.

In a way it lets you flow with it. In a way that it scares you. In a way that nothing seems difficult. In a way that its always the best morning and the brightest sunshine. In a way that all music is romantic. In a million more ways than this and a million more ways you would see it, experience it, enjoy it. And most of all want it and have it.

It gives you sleepless nights and dreamy days. It makes you want to do things you never thought you would. It makes you cross thousands of miles when you dont even know the directions. It makes you discover yourself. It teaches you to feel your heartbeat. It drives you crazy and keeps you sane. You laugh and cry at the same time. You lose and find yourself. You move ahead and wait. You turn around and you look ahead. It lets you be, and then you are just there in that feeling that only you know for yourself.

So love happened to me :) I saw it and I lost it. And didnt know if I'd see it again. Then I thought I felt it again. And then I saw it slip away. By then I gave it up saying b******t. And then yet again it approached me. This time I was careful, cautious, scared it would go away and I made a failed attempt to stay away from it. To keep it away from me.

But then its love - it entices you in a way - a lot of ways. And I found myself staring at it again. First it smiled, held my hand, took me in its arms, made me smile and then it turned to look at me. Slowly taking its hand away from me, waived at me and walked off. And I just stood there thinking and wondering. So I ran after it, walked along a bit and then I just walked ahead. Left it behind. I turned to look at it and I didnt turn. I kept walking. Then maybe it wasnt mine. But just something along the way. And maybe I need to keep walking further.

And I still haven't interpreted it. If you have; share it :)

Enjoy the read.

Life!!

So here is another emotional upheavel that brings me to write my blog. Thats how I started writing, and that is how every art form takes birth. It is nothing but your emotions.

A painting on a wall or an art gallery, a musical composition by a musician on the streets, a photograph by a wanderer, a movie of a dreamer, a wedding dress in a store or a 'tantra' tshirt for that matter, a novel on the shelf, a building worth looking at, an appetizing dish, a piece of pretty furniture in a store, a sculpture, fireworks out a little box, a bouquet of the little flower man, a couple dancing with the best smiles you can ever see, a potter creating magic with his hands a wheel, biker doing his wheellies (if this is the correct spelling), a cricketer on the pitch creating magic with his bat, a bartender mixing alcohol to make us happy high, a hairdresser giving you a makeover look with simple scissor going snip-snip and well a bloggers post on a random internet search.

Its a form of expression, an expression that comes up from our emotions, our feelings, the way we look at things our perception of them. So whats this post about. well, not really just about where art originates from - we all know that by now :) Its creativity, which is not logical or rational its just a form of emotion we create in our mind and let it out in various forms.

I started the blog in 2006 I think and amongst the most irregular ones. And this one after long is away from the facts and realities, from the complexities of the society or my preceptions of those.

The last couple of years have kept me way too busy with day to day work and exploring the world that it somewhere took me away from taking my time out and in some ways took me away from myself. And then there are times you choose to prioritise and we prioritise the things which are "by definition" are the correct choices, for me it was "Work and Career". My head said now is the time and once this is done there will be loads of time to enjoy other things. And well those "other" things actually me with myself. And here I am after 2 gruelling years of work - with myself again. Looking for something new, a new purpose, a new challenge again something new and different.

The title reads life and if you are expecting some deep insights on Life you may or may not get it :) Cos I just named it Life - i sat down to write and this is the first thing that came to my mind and I just put it down. No thought, just a feeling. Feelings at times cannot be explained in a thousand words and at times just a smile says it all. Writers have gone ahead and created the most beautiful expressions to describe feelings of love, affection, happiness, remorse, sorrow, disappointment. And we read these carefully chosed words, in the form of songs, or poems and read them over and over again to feel them.

There is always a way to express yourself to other people, people like me prefer and find it easier to just say things :) Some people I know cant say it so easy, but their actions say it all. The way they look at you, the way they touch you when talking to you - a slight pat on the shoulder, a little tap on your head, a playful punch, a friendly nudge, and a bear hug - all you need to know they care and love.

And by the time I reach this part of the post im lost as to what I started writing. So well lets see, life - it becomes the most difficult thing to deal with and sometimes the easiest thing. Sometime you are lost in thoughts and on what to say next and do next. Sometimes its the magic of thoughts that carried you far far away. Sometimes its the whilrwind of expressing a lot of things at the same time. Sometimes it leaves you behind to figure itself out sometimes you go far too ahead and it catches up with you. Sometimes its contagious and you end up spreading it all over.

Life - its to be lived to the full. To be enjoyed every moment of, to be kept simple and straight, to be smiled on, to have no regrets, to look back and be able to smile at and most importantly - not to give in but to pursue and pursuem to take it till the end, to fight it, cos we are the champions!!! Champions of our life :)

Chennai Times!

6:15 p.m. Chennai airport, waiting to board the flight for Mumbai – a one way ticket just like the one I had 2 months back in November 2009. :)

So here comes an end to the shortest and sweetest stint. I moved to Chennai 2 months back as a part of my rotation – and was prepared and loaded with at least 50 books to read to survive what was supposed to be a 10 month long stint. However, like we all say, ‘you never know where life takes you’, here I am on my way back to Mumbai in 2 months.

Chennai was nothing like I expected; in fact I didn’t expect much and it turned out to be a lot more than just some south Indian conservative city that sleeps at 10 every night. Chennai (if you read my previous posts) is a lot of fun! A new city is a lot about the kind of people you end up meeting and of course a lot about deciding to have fun. A city cannot really be good or bad, boring or fun, slow or fast. It’s the people that matter and how you accept the place that matters. So well, I guess I realized this while I was here. Yea 2 months could be too short to say – and at the same time I feel 2 months were too short for me to have all the fun and do everything I wanted to in Chennai.

So I spent my last 2 weeks in Chennai in revisiting the best things to do in the city and traveling to Pondi the little town around 3.5 hours from Chennai with some amazing beaches and FOOD. It’s a quaint little French town – and amazing to see how in a so culturally strong a country like ours the Frenchmen left their imprint behind. Right from food, language to the feel of the place, Pondi represents the luxurious and content life of the people of France.

Here are a few more pictures of the city capturing some fun moments of a good life!

I will definitely be missing Chennai – but nothing is ever as good as coming back home. As they say, home is where heart is!! Im back everyone! Good times again!! :)

PS: Post supposed to be published on 14th Jan 2010. Delay regretted owing to various reasons - Reliance datacard is the root cause :) Thanks to MTNL that comes to my rescue now.

Chennai Part II

So here is a run down on my week 2 and 3 in Chennai. Last two weeks have been more about exploring the city, hangout places and settling down in the new house, and my new flatmates. Also have had some great timing with 2 traveller friends from Germany who were visiting India and happen to be in the city for my 2nd week in Chennai. So well I was taking them around and exploring the city myself with them. (Due to technical problems unable to upload a few pics of the city - but will do it soon :))

Weekends @ Chennai: Starting with something that I was most worried about before I moved to Chennai. Thinking about what I am gonna do for two whole days where I don’t know anyone (almost no one) – was quite a nightmare. But before I knew it – I found myself in the company of some real cool party people in Chennai. Thanks to my colleague and friend RN (who hails from Chennai is not a typical madrasi boy) I got introduced to some fun times here. So lets see what all places I have been to over the weekends:
• Zaras: Zara’s is as close as you can get to a chilled out pub in Chennai  Half the city pub community is found here and after a time you all know each other. So on a Saturday night if you are having a tough time coordinating an outing just head to Zaras and you fill find great company there. Not only in terms of people but also the music. Anyone looking for bollywood can forget about it and that’s true for most places in Chennai be it a pub or a discotheque.
• TDS: Or 10 Downing Street – one of the rare places that’s open till 1 a.m. Yes! It came as pleasant surprise to me. In fact for the first time I think I have left a place before it shut down. So I am actually assuming it shut at one cos I left at 12.45am.  Again great music and Wednesdays are ladies nights
• Distill: Distill at Taj Connomera is not your usual pub or clubbing place. It’s fit for anyone looking for a peaceful drink with some good music. A great ambience and tables not to forget the very well made drinks. Unlike Taj stds the place I must say seems priced pretty reasonably.
• Dublin: Dubiln @ Sheraton – ahem ahem – lets avoid this place. A srict no no – priced outrageously and the mossy confused DJ!!

Ladeis Nites @ Chennai: This is the most interesting part of Chennai; and I hope the ladies are listening  Almost every nite of the week has some or the place welcome the women with Special Ladies Nites.

One thing is guaranteed in all of these – Free drinks for women. So TDS has Wednesdays and Distill has Fridays and another place (im yet to check it out :P has Thursdays. Distill gives you 2 free cocktails and trust me its not diluted – great cocktails. Then TDS has free beer for girls till 9.30!! Beat that!! Drink all you can. Im glad I am getting used to beer ;)

Another peculiar thing about clubbing / partying in Chennai is that at most places ‘stags’ are not around – only couples and girls of course.

Moving in @ Chennai: So I moved in last weekend – stuff came in on Friday and unpacking on Saturday and I moved in with my final stuff on Sunday. Yes it happened in phases but yea I am settled finally in the new house. All cartons unpacked and in place. Have taken a few pictures of the house and attached for all of you!

Weekend Getaways @ Chennai: Weekend getaways are great in Chennai – or atleast for me have been. So I got this chance to go to 2 AWESOME beach houses. Its all about meeting the right people. So lets say a friend has a beach house with an amazing beach right behind it and you can go take a swim whenver you want. And I happened to visit a friend’s friend who has a bach house as big and as nice as a RESORT!! Man!!

Some great times in the swimming pool just sitting at the porch and reading, a nice nap and well just an awesome time away from the hassles of any city life, work life and complete relaxation.

Another way of a nice weekend can be getting some nice massage and a lazy afternoon nap – this Im sure Mumbai can give you as well :P

Flatmates @ Chennai: Both my flatmates are nice simple girls from Orissa. KN and AP working with holiday company. Not the complete city party chics – but pretty independent and Indian in their own nice way. And here is the best part, KN LOVES cooking and to an extent that she just does it everyday!!! Man!! How lucky you think I could get. And well, before you guys pour in your comments on this one – well, I do my bit too at times helping her out with making one dish for dinner. Breakfast I make my own completely!

So well here is a snapshot on the city. And coming to an interesting part, there was a cosmetic brand launch in the city with a fashion show. So well I was told it was some big fashion show gala etc etc. Nothing like that – the good part 3 very good models and free food at Le Meridien and the bad part – everything else.

So here is the much awaited first account of my week 1 in Chennai. I got here on a Monday morning after one week of awesome food and cool weather in Delhi. So my company booked me onto an early morning Indian Airlines flight from Mumbai to Chennai. My schedule looked something like this:

6th Nov – Last day in Mumbai – I hit HRC (no surprises here) with some office friends joined by Bhau and Dave (thank you guys!!!)

7th Nov – Movers & Packers take my stuff off to Chennai and I leave for Delhi for a week meeting my relatives and lots of gol gappe, papdi chaat, bhalle papdi, dal ke pakode etc etc!!

15th Nov – Return to Mumbai at midnight to meet my dad who couldn’t join us on the Delhi trip. My last night in Mumbai coupled with a complete lack of sleep  no guesses here why.

16th Nov – Leave early morning for the beginning of a new chapter in Chennai 

While I was sitting at the airport, surprisingly I wasn’t feeling excited or anxious, no anticipation of what is to come, no ‘butterflied in the stomach’ feel nothing at all!! It was like just another day of work, where instead of regular mode of transport I was taking a flight.

Like every other flight we began to board the flight half an hour before take off. So I took my seat and decided to sleep – on account of lack of sleep over the past few days. I get up suddenly an hour later only to realize my flight is still at Mumbai airport. So that’s how my first day of work failed to meet Maersk standards of “ON TIME EVERYTIME” ;)

So anyway with the flight delay added up with lots of traffic I manage to reach office at 12.30 p.m.!! (it pretty ridiculous considering I got up at 0400 hours in the morning) I was welcomed by an extremely polite and nice group of my new office colleagues. I only later realized how they crack up so very politely on people from top to bottom in the industry. Leaves you wondering where is this little devil hiding in the nice ‘sharif’ tam guys from Chennai.

From here on all references to the people of Chennai will be made as TAM not Madrasi. Now that I am in the Tam land I shall maintain the correct phrase usage ;)

Work & Colleagues @ Chennai
Office in the last one week has been pretty nice and fun. People are extremely helpful to a point that I had the whole office giving me random contacts for my house hunting. They would ask me everyday if I’ve had any luck and that I could approach them anytime I might need anything. At times, I feel like if I open up too much I might be the “bully” out here. I happen to think twice before I crack a joke or pull anyone’s leg. Phew!!

New profile looks good. Briefly its about equipment (container fleet) planning. So keeping a tab on the expected exports and Imports in the short and long term and ensuring all south India locations (and Colombo – part of India cluster) are adequately stocked. Planning movement (inland) of containers between various location at the right
time and the right cost. This is how simple it can get, and like any other profile it has its own set of complications and exceptions to deal with everyday.

Office lunch again isn’t as expected. Its pretty decent and something you can have everyday and still not lose your appetite. There is rice, chapatti (Chennai style), 2/3 vegetables, 1 non vegetarian dish (with the exception of Tuesday and Thursday), dal / sambhar / rasam etc. Curd is an all time dish. So yea, I don’t think I am gonna be complaining on this front.

So Friday like most of you would have noticed – was tambola at my office and I won a prize!!!  So well Chennai office is quite happening and looks like there play at the end of a long work day.

Life @ Chennai: This is a brief on week 1 and not life in general in Chennai. But yea it’s a sample (though much smaller in size) its pretty representative ;) of the fact. I am staying with a friend’s (also my colleague in the MISE programme) parents. A nice upper middle class family in Chennai – and yet so different from ones in Mumbai or Delhi. They are as simple as one could be and yet so sophisticated. Usual houses in Chennai are independent unlike Mumbai but similar to Delhi – guess its all the space game. Home cooked food has been a blessing. Again being very helpful and polite looks like a way of life and I have had a great one week here.

House hunting @ Chennai: House hunting my friends is pure hard work and then one day you strike a pot of gold. This goes for all those who aren’t born with the usual stroke of good luck ;)

So house hunting started for a month ago, when I was looking online for houses at Sulekha.com. And I strongly recommend this site to everyone. So its been a month now or more of cold calling people and last 4 days of looking at 2-3 places everyday. Nothing really like what I am looking for. My office is in Nungambakkam – which is the heart of the city and supposedly one of the happening areas of Chennai. As a result, PGs around here are as expensive as 10k!! Something cheaper is then so far off that I would end up paying obscene amounts to the auto guys which is another interesting fact to note abt the city. They are a complete Rip off and buyers bargaining power ain’t that strong; especially when you are new to the city and don’t speak the language.

Saturday @ Chennai: Today being my first Saturday in Chennai – I spent it nice lazy Chennai style and ended it the Mumbai way. So I got up had a nice south Indian breakfast. Went to this furniture place – complete import stuff from Indonesia – real good stuff. So anyone looking for a nice piece let me know  A little expensive but worth it! Afternoon lunch and then siesta time! I checked out this mall in Chennai – pretty small – not so bad again  Ended the day with a couple of new people I met today – who would now be a part of my Chennai friend circle. We went to this nice little place called Zaras for a drink. Good music and good crowd; discovering new places to hang out in Chennai. So whenever anyone of you come here – Zara is a must go place 

More account and details soon with pics this time.

Me Mumbaikar

Mumbai is the Financial Capital of India - "its not a place made by politicians, but the Aam Aadmi working endlessly to make money."

Post the terrorism in Mumbai on the unfortunate night of 26th November 2008, 'Me Mumbaikar' seems anguished and disappointed at the same time. Crores of people working day in and day out, keeping and making the city what it is today. It's you and me that hold Mumbai in the pride that we do. It's not the politicians - they look at capitalizing on the Mumbaikars hard work. What happened last week left us all shocked, hurt and disappointed. More than the terror attacks, it was the attitude of the system - The Govt - that broke down the spirit of the city of dreams.

I am ususally not a person who gets into politics or what politicians say. Infact I am too careless to even bother about my voting card and my voting rights (this would tell you I have never voted). Out of laziness and lack of clarity of who am I gonna vote for. For me all the politicians are the same - I don't trust anyone of them. This attack on Mumbai has for the first time got me to listen to what the politicians have to say. And they have said the most disappointing things I could ever imagine in my life. With all this I do plan to exercise my right of not voting. Let them know that of all the people voting there is someone out there, who is NOT voting for anyone. Does this help?? I don't know. So why am I doing this. Maybe because it's time I do something, own some responsibility for the state of affairs in Mumbai.

I never expected anything of this magnitude to happen in the city. As we took a quiet little stroll outside the Oberoi - Trident hotel, I kept wondering, what kind of a night would that have been. What went on the inside of the walls of one of Mumbai's old legendary places. We could see broken windows, big black marks from the blast, and I was trying to imagine what would it be looking like on the inside on Saturday morning after the massacre was brought to an end.

Do I blame anyone? Yes, I do. I blame the lack of attention that was paid to the innumerable warnings issued. I wonder WHY, WHY on earth would someone ignore it. Ignore something of that high significance. Do I have an answer to it?? No I don't and I might probably never get answers to my questions just like all other people in Mumbai.

At times, I dont even know what is this whole thing about, religion, terror, politics?!!! Lost - once again in the vicious circle of things unknown.

There is a lot of debate and differed opinions on the spirit of the city. Will it ever come back to the way it was. Yes it will!! It will bounce back, and with always the big black scar that the terror attacks left on us. The average Mumbaikar may return to the usual way of life, love the city like he always did, do the same things he always did in Mumbai, still call Mumbai much safer than other places in India, still the most happening place. The charm of the place shall always stay - stay with a big black scar. Only now it would be with a big black scar, a lump in our throat, and praying everyday for peace.

The Happy Day Feeling :)

The “Happy Day” Feeling – well, lets see what it means. Ummm… isn’t the term self explanatory?!! Well, yes it is.

A happy Day feeling is when you want to jump around, dance, sing to yourself, walk on the road aimlessly – smiling at anyone and everyone you come across. Talk to all your friends. Wish everyone “Happy Day” and just be as happy as you are. This is a day when you do all the right things, all on time, when you are completely satisfied with yourself and also you are happily comforting the most cranky people you would otherwise avoid.

So yes, a Happy Day feeling is about you – cos as the philosopher’s say Happiness is internal. Look for it within yourself and when you constantly look for it, after sometime you will realize that its just there in you all the while, it will overcome the not so good times and will let you enjoy the very good ones to the fullest.

A Happy Day feeling makes the dullest environments around you lively, buzzing with life and energy. You will ignore the dull and slow elements and the energy touch points will shine out bright :)

This is how it seems to me on a typical Happy Day feeling:

“Office buzzing with work and my head and system running go go go with more and more work with every minute. More so when the minutes pass away and the work load increases tooo… some pass and some more come in, meetings and discussions. Organizational goals, departmental goals and then my personal goals. And I am all pumped up with the Happy Day feeling – that nothing bogs me down. I am a go getter, and I say, “Bring it on!!!” I am unstoppable, unconquerable, I can reason, im ready to listen and accept, to prove my point and see the brightest points in others throughout. Im eager to help, oversee mistakes of my colleagues and take the tantrums. And I want to come back to work everyday, or maybe I don’t want the day to end. I want the work hours to extend. I can work over 12 hours at a stretch. Blah blah blah”

And I can go on and on about the Happy Day Feeling. And happy day feeling can come easily to anyone anytime you want. To me at times it comes even with 2 strong Espresso shots!! Try and tell me about your Happy Day feeling :)

Watch out for: "MISE Module as a source of Happy Feelings!!"

The Unconquered

The weekend at Goa has so far been one of the best getaways from work.

Something that really struck me more than the sheer beauty of the place is the strength of its beauty and what really makes it what it is. And this would seem more if you too have felt what I have on this trip to Goa. The place creates THE magic.

I mentioned earlier that the sea fascinates me, thinking about it now; I realize it’s the water. Its the power, the beauty, the depth, the infinity, the strength that amazes me. Water is one thing mankind has not been able to conquer. It always beats us.

Walking on the top of the Chapora Fort (popularly known as the ‘Dil Chahta Hai’ point) I realized that the waves coupled with the strength of the powerful winds can so break you down. It broke me down. Sitting at a rock, on the top of the fort, staring down at those powerful waves brings about a sea change in emotions. It brings out in you all that you were trying to avoid from thinking and all that you tried to keep away from your mind. Things that are in you and dug so deep into you that you don’t want them to come out. It is like hiding yourself from you.

Sitting on the Worli seaface one night I was observing how hard the waves would go and hit against the pillars of the new sea link (from Bandra to Worli), and trust me it feels like it will just break down. The waves hit it hard and it will keep doing that forever, we have treaded on its territory. It will fight back forever.

And once it starts breaking it, it just breaks and breaks it further down. You think you can fight it, you can’t. I wonder how those rocks stand it. And I guess they are the only things that can stand it. Not completely though. They don’t break yes, but they certainly change. They change to suit the direction of the force of the water.

It makes those paths in you that if you resist you break down. It might not break you but will definitely bend you down.

A New BLUE World

The beauty of the world grows and increases with every new experience that you have with it. It’s the ‘newness’ that happen to entice you towards it. I wrote about how difficult it is to let go and how we suddenly realize certain things have come to an end. Well, don’t be surprised if the next minute you are already looking forward to the next phase of your life, of starting into the NEW world.

For me it’s NEW all way. A new house, new people, new workplace, new way of life, new thoughts, new encounters, new rules, new …!!!

There is a moment you think that you are just not the correct fit for the surroundings. And the next minute you are a part of the group, wanting to live more and more of the new life life. For me the new way is BLUE!!! Yeah it’s a true blue world – facing right on to the sea. All I need to do is look up towards the window from my seat and I can see the unending horizon. The blue sea, the perfect clouds and the vastness – the Infinity of the world. I have always been fascinated by the sea; as a child I used to wonder what is at the other end and now I wonder where the sea would lead me to.

The last 2 years of MBA have reinvented me as a different person altogether and now I find my discovering more and more about being me. Maersk would definitely bring out a new me at the end.

And yes, however, new it may be one thing is true, this is what I had thought of always – My life is a manifestation of my thoughts. I am today what I have always wanted to be and seen myself as.
And here is a snapshot of the vastness.

PS: Special thanks to my friend NB for sending me the picture.

Last Day

There is something about 'Last Day'. They are not unhappy, they are just unbelievable... A friend sent me a message this morning which read, "Some people say that you don't know what you have until you lose it. The truth is that you always know what you have, you just never thought you would lose it."

Unbelievable yes that's what I call them. And what makes them more striking is the fact that you know they are gonna come, you know precisely when it would happen. You also know how would life be like after that. And when the Last Day is there... you say, "Already!!" You want to stop it from coming. You just want to UNWIND a little more. A little more time in the past that has passed by. Just a little more of it. :)

When I resigned from my job before my MBA, it was for the simple reason that I didn't want to be there anymore. I was fed up of it. And then on the last day, I didn't want to leave. I didn't know it was time to go. Well, I did go yes. They always say there is something better waiting for you instead. :) And there was.

There would always be a better time waiting for you. And there are somethings, you never thought you would miss, but you do, a lot. And this is where we say, "You don't know what you have until you lose it" :)

All the best!!!

Melange 2008 - Ending in STYLE!!!!

Melange our annual most awaited festival which brings together all the SIMSRites is undoubtedly most enjoyed and loved by all.

What makes me write this is not cos its another college fest and the fun you can have or fun we had at Melange. It's because Melange this year has made us end our MBA in style!!!

Had Melange not happened the way it did, I am sure quite a few of us would get bored of college and not spend time in college meeting each other. I take Melange as my last day of college :) Never would be a last day spent in soo much celebrations and fun as it was at Melange (Melange 2008 - 29th & 30th March 2008). Not just my batchmates, I loved working with all our juniors as well. One time that we all bonded so so so well. Will miss you all!!!

We spent more than a month on Melange working, having fun, enjoying ourselves and loving SIMSR. And all the while we just hoped that time would stop and we never finish college, always be here :D. Cos end of Melange met end of the life at SIMSR.

I am so glad that we all feel the way I do which just goes on to show how much we all mean to each other and how we loved spending time with one another and do all that we did!!!

And the class skit - nothing could beat that!!!

Love you all!!! Rock On!!! It just couldn't get better!!!